crystal quotes of the day #4 (another pregnancy edition)

You can read about my idea for these "Crystal Quotes of the Day" HERE.
enjoy installment #4 below... all quotes from when Crystal was pregnant:

*We just weren't able to fit comfortably on the couch anymore like we used to and Crystal said:
Crystal:   “there’s just a lot more of me to fit”

*We were just chillin out on the beach...

me:          “I’m gonna roll over on my stomach” 

Crystal:    “yeah, I’m gonna lay on my stomach next year.”

*we were taking a walk & i had just casually mentioned someone being my hero...

Crystal:    (indignant!) "WHAT!!?? I’m not your hero!?? I BETTER be your hero after I push a kid out my hoo ha for you!"

crystal quotes of the day #3

you can read the 1st "Crystal quotes of the day (pregnancy edition)" HERE.

today's "Crystal quote of the day" is a little bit more of a conversation that went like this:

Crystal:  "Can I have an advance on the baby clothes budget?"

Me:         "What do you mean? like you want next month's money this month?"

Crystal:  "Yes."

Me:         "OK, but you realize if you spend all of next month's money this month there will be none for this month."

Crystal:  "What? No, I want an advance so that I can spend the money for next month AND have that amount for next month too."

Me:         "That's not an advance... that's just extra money."

Crystal:  "Well, whatever you want to call it then. You say tomato, i say tomahto."

Crystal's April fool's on me

yep, this was what Crystal showed me.

i bought it.

FREAKED actually.

forgot it was April Fool's Day

crystal quotes of the day (pregnancy edition)

my wife is straight up, no doubt about it, flipping hilarious.

daily she says stuff that cracks me up so hard i have to stop whatever i'm doing just to laugh. she's just being raw & real... usually not necessarily trying to be funny... she's just funny.

so, lately i've been trying to write that kind of stuff down. if i can, i've actually been trying to Tweet it or post it to Facebook or something, but that's only 1% of the time... maybe.

And half of the funny stuff would just be inappropriate to put out there on the world wide web. not bad by any means... just not appropriate, although i WISH i could blog about it because it is so funny.

for the other 50% of the funny stuff, i'm gonna give it a go to post it here regularly. i'm introducing a new segment on the ol' blog called "Crystal Quotes of the Day". it may not be something she said that particular day, but it's the funny quote or quotes i'm choosing to share that day.

and of course, sense of humor is always relative. we say to each other all the time "at least we make each other laugh". and i'm thankful for that. but what i think is funny, others may not find all that funny. oh well.

i actually started writing the quotes down when Crystal was pregnant... something with pregnancy made her say more funny stuff :)  BUT i couldn't Tweet it at the time because we still hadn't told anyone we were pregnant yet. so FINALLY i get to share some of this stuff.

without further adieu, i give you the very 1st Crystal quotes of the day... all from when she was pregnant:

*after eating at Olive Garden i turned around for 2 seconds and when i looked back my mint on the table was gone:
me:         "Did you eat my mint?"
Crystal:  "I mean, I ate a mint and the baby had one, so I guess the waiter just didn't bring you one."

*David Beckham was on TV & Crystal made some comment about his hotness:
me:         "You think he would make a better Baby Daddy than me, don't you?"
Crystal:   (reassuringly) "He wouldn't make a better Baby Daddy. He would make a better story."

*Last St. Patrick's Day:
Crystal:   "Let's go to a pub crawl. The baby wants beer."

*1 day when the pregnancy was having some ill effects on Crystal:
Crystal:   "After all this, this baby better be frickin' cute!"

*1 conversation when she was about 7-8 months pregnant & it ("pregnancy") had really taken full control of her emotions:
me:         "Why don't you leave and come back when you have a better attitude?"
Crystal:  "Why don't YOU leave and come back when I have a better attitude?"


not the same reading them as hearing them, but i hope they make you laugh like they did me!

guaranteed to make you laugh (or cry)

you seriously have to watch this to the end...
a friend just posted it & it has brought me so much joy and laughter.



There are so many things i feel like i could say right now.
but why don't YOU give it a try...

CAPTIONS PLEASE!

need to feel like a better parent? just read this

My wife's grandmother from New York has had the privilege to stay at our house and hang out with Keira twice since she's been born. and in that time i've probably heard this story about a half dozen times.

just letting you know up front that this is a true story! i didn't make it up and i didn't just steal it from something i saw on Tosh.0 or Ridiculousness.

here you go:
back in the day when my father-in-law was a baby, his mom (my wife's grandmother) was driving through town and made a U-turn...

the back door of the car came open and the baby FELL OUT!!!

he straight up fell out onto the street on his head!
out of a moving car!

she got out of the car, threw him back in the back seat, and kept driving.

wow.
hard to top that one.

and he turned out just fine (you know, for the most part). she seems like she was a wonderful mother & of course this kind of thing wasn't the norm.

but hey, stuff happens. we're all going to make mistakes. i'm sure i'll make TONS. thousands. i'm trying not to, but i'm sure i will.

but when i make those mistakes i'm going to remind myself of this story and say to myself "at least i didn't eject my baby onto the street from a moving car."

hopefully i never top that one.

let me go ahead & get this out of the way... again

'tis the season again. So, this is just your friendly reminder to please not write me a letter about writing "xmas" because you think i worship the devil and am in some kind of conspiracy to overthrow the world... just read this 1st.
merry xmas!
(This was originally posted on November 24th, 2009 HERE.)

OK, I thought it might be easier to just say this once and get it out of the way.

It is a lot easier and faster for me to write "xmas" than "Christmas". There, I said it and it's out of the way now.
So, when I am typing something quickly = a blog post, an email, a text, etc... I'm probably going to write "xmas" instead of "Christmas". (So don't be offended when you get an email or text from me with "xmas" in it.)

Lest you think I am some heartless atheist (or a devil worshipper) - it has NOTHING to do with "taking Christ out of Christmas" as lots of people say. It's not some "liberal" agenda to hijack this "Christian nation". It is simply 5 less letters to type. It's easier. That's all. I don't hate Jesus. In fact I love Jesus and am radically following Him as best as I know how.

In case you're curious "X" is actually the abbreviation for "Christ". Therefore xmas instead of Christmas. It's not "taking Christ out of Christmas", it's simply abbreviating.
* "X" is the 1st Greek letter in "Christ" (Xristou). That's why "X" is the abbreviation for Christ.
And that's why I hope you can understand that I'm not a devil worshiper just because I write "xmas".

And actually I think it's interesting in light of this topic that the ancient Hebrew scribes used to write YHWH to abbreviate God's Name because they wanted to revere His holy name and didn't think themselves worthy to even write all the letters - Yahweh... (we think).
[i wonder what they would think of us... actually writing the WHOLE name out. Would they think us irreverant or blasphemous? or even part of a conspiracy to overthrow the world?]

So, again, just to clarify = I'm going to write "xmas" instead of "Christmas", but not because I hate God, just because it's faster.

What about YOU? Do you write "xmas" or "Christmas"?

not a whole lot

not a whole lot of processed thoughts in my brain tonight... so how bout a political video.

i basically know jack about politics. i'm not one to talk about this kind of stuff because i basically get my news from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Twitter, and Daniel Tosh on Tosh.0
so i've never even heard of this guy below, but i think this is pretty hilarious. i'm sure if i've seen this then everyone else in America must have seen it by now.


not a political expert, but guessing this guy won't make it.

the hyrax & the 30th

i love to read Proverbs every day. ever since freshman year of college i've read 1 chapter a day (corresponding to the day of the month). this habit has helped make an unwise guy like me a little less and less unwise through the years.



in college one of my best friends, Ethan, had the same habit so we would often talk about what we read that day. those were some great conversations. But every month when it came to the 30th one of us would ask the other - "Dude, do you know what a hyrax is?"



nope. no idea. never even heard of it. but apparently, hyraxes are one of 4 things Agur (the author) says are "small, yet extremely wise".



verse 26 tries to tell us why they're so wise and even describe them a little bit = "hyraxes are creatures of little power, yet they make their home in the crags..."



huh. life changing, eh?



but it really did bug us. for years. we asked people. looked it up. we kind of just always pictured a beaver.

but then Crystal and i went to Kenya last Fall. a place where we stayed the 1st 10 days was crawling with these little fury creatures.



there were tons of them running around everywhere and this is one of the pics i snapped of them.

i asked a guy one day - "what are these things?"

"Hyraxes" he said.



case closed. now i've seen them up close and in person.



here's the really funny part. They would always be crowded all along the little path where we would walk to go to breakfast. Usually they would scurry off out of our way when we would come walking by. but i guess they're so wise that they can sense FEAR. because my wife, Crystal, was definitely afraid of them. (in her defense, they did have these massive sharp teeth.)



one day i went out early and was coming back to our room to see what was taking Crystal so long to come to breakfast. halfway back to our room i heard Crystal shouting "Patrick! help me!"

These little hyraxes had her cornered on all sides and she just stood there frozen as they inched closer. there were like 30 of them! she was pretty much freaking out.



it was a fairly funny scene, but of course i tried not to laugh. i just jumped up there and started shouting like a crazy man and clapping really loud and they all ran away.



now every time the 30th rolls around and i read this Proverb it makes me laugh when i come to verse 26. i can see those hyraxes chasing Crystal around. haha... they are pretty wise creatures i guess.



Crystal still says they are dumb.

words women use

(This was originally posted on September 15, 2009.)

Last month Crystal and I were on vacation and ate at Hyman's Seafood in Charleston. While eating my boiled peanuts & waiting on my 3 different fish I picked up this card & read it. It was called "Words Women Use."

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

5 Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. 5 minutes is only 5 minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. [She might even say "Go ahead, baby" to make the deception even greater!]

Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's OK
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Don't question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

So, WHICH OF THESE "WORDS" RING A BELL? ANY STORIES?
 

funny book review of love wins

my wife picked up my copy (from the library) of Love Wins earlier this week. storming through it and will probably finish it soon.

everybody and their brother are writing thoughts and book reviews of it, but Donald Miller's  review is the best i've seen yet.

check it out HERE.

if you know about all the nonsense, hype, etc... you'll find it humorous. if not, you might just be confused.

staff quote of the day (repost)

(This was originally posted on February 23, 2009.)

We - the staff at Ridge Church - have a lot of fun most days. Usually there is at least 1 quote of the day. Some days there are lots of them, but one usually rises to the top as THE quote of the day...

Today there was indeed a quote that rose to the top! It is credited to Melissa & no context is needed for this quote of the day winner:
"Other than the beard she's a pretty girl."

oh wow. Is there anything that doesn't belong in that sentence? OTHER THAN THE BEARD she's a pretty girl? haha, that's like saying "Other than being ugly, she's a pretty girl." It just doesn't work. (Although this is better than the coverups people use when they think someone's ugly = "but she's really nice" OR "she has a great personality." Just for the record I think it is always wrong to say someone is ugly... no matter how you say it.)

Haha - thanks Melissa, for the good laugh. This all took place in the midst of deep and enlightening staff conversations over burgers & fries @ Five Guys. & now I'm full.

funniest thing i've seen this month!

Carolina vs. Kentucky was yesterday = 4:30-7:30.

Bummed about the outcome but here is the sign a Doctor at Crystal’s hospital made for all the patients and nurses to see. She works on the Labor & Delivery floor.

Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

incognito

i've noticed something interesting over the past couple years.

1st of all, i usually strike up conversations with most people. people who work certain places remember me when i come back.

but, when you change your hair every few months - those loose acquaintance/"friends" don't know who you are.
People like Starbucks baristas, waitresses, Borders peeps, etc...

i'll walk in and say "hi" like i always do, but they say "hi" in a very different way. a way that lets me know they have no idea who i am. because usually they say something like "hi, good to see you again."

now i'm used to it. nobody can keep up.

short light brown & spiky --> long brown --> longer brown --> long blonde --> long blonde and red --> shorter red & blonde --> blonde faux hawk --> brown faux hawk --> short brown + beard --> blonde & red faux hawk + beard --> raggedy brown, blonde, & red + beard --> Black (currently).

what can i say... i just get bored.
(which i guess will come in handy if i'm ever on the run & need to go incognito)

friday

happy Friday  everyone. a couple Fridays ago i wrote about "that Friday buzz".

there's a new top video on YouTube. no doubt you've seen it. it's pretty awful, but it's racked up over 45 million views recently. i love Fridays so i HOPE this doesn't become the official theme song.

just in case you missed it...



you probably didn't make it all the way through & that's quite all right. But watch below and enjoy Conan's spoof/remix of this bad music video gone viral. (this one is barely over 1 minute long)



doesn't take much to get famous these days. enjoy your Friday everyone!

still making us laugh

And a follow up from yesterday's ridiculous video - Crowder gets in on the fun.

just to make you laugh

(i originally posted this video on September 22, 2009.)

look past the painful and just ENJOY it as comedy!

(If you didn't make it to the "ZAP" then you didn't watch long enough!)
more to come tomorrow

snow day 1/11/11

we had a lot of fun in the snow today.
And by "we" i mean the city of Charlotte. sounded like everybody was playing in the snow.

the beauty of having my office at home is that i can still get a lot of work done on a "snow day", but take a long lunch break and have fun out in the snow!

Check this snow fort that our neighbors built! pretty awesome. i was extremely impressed. The kids range from like 6 to 17. Their Dad told me they tried to talk him into letting them sleep in it last night : )

And of course Crystal and i busted out the old school wooden sled that i think belonged to one of my parents. lots of good memories on that sled. When the iced over street was just right we could fly down it. Later we actually took Jack Bauer (the dog) for a ride.
Not the greatest idea. he bailed!
we caught it on video, but i wish you could see what i saw in the moment = my dog doing a barrel roll off the sled and bouncing off his back on the ice!

he headed straight for the house and didn't want to ride the sled anymore! we're going to be horrible parents...