ups and downs

it feels like it's been a long journey already. and it's only been like 5 days.

Today the Doctors found out my Mom has 2 infections they need to get out of her lungs. they are what's causing her lungs not to work well. Plus all that fluid they need to drain.

Plus they're going to trache her and run the vent through that.

it feels like a long journey already and it's going to be much longer. my Mom will probably be in the ICU for a while.

it's been an up & down, high & low emotional journey.

The highs are when my Mom is alert and we can talk to her and she understands and tries to communicate back. we can see her personality come through.
i showed her pics of Keira and she smiled, tried to giggle, pointed, etc... she was loving it. those times are awesome.

but when we hear that she wakes up and we're not there & she's is scared. i hate that.

when i walk into her room and see her hooked up to 15 machines and all these lines and tubes and realize they're just keeping her alive. it looks like nothing i've even seen in the movies. it's pretty disheartening. it's scary and i hate it.

when i talk to her one day and ask if she remembers talking to me and Dad the day before... and she shakes her head "no"... pretty disheartening. feels like we're stepping into 50 First Dates. but of course that's only because of the meds she's on.

but then when she DOES remember talking to us/seeing us. that's pretty cool.

ups and downs. i guess that's what it will be for a while. i'm just hoping and praying for the day when she gets to go "home" there in Durham. or at least out of the ICU. it's still a long recovery from there, but at least this battle will be won.

and of course there are my other fears i dare not mention out loud or in writing. the fears and emotions i only talk to God about in the moments i'm pouring out my heart.

He gets it.

He's even "been there" in some way.

so i beg for mercy. for healing.

i beg for God to act in a way that heaps glory back onto Him.

for God to act in a way that makes people say "Wow"... their God is awesome.

for God to "boost" His renown through this situation.

but i know God is good. no matter what. that's just who He is.